Vala's Never Gonna
by Eternal Density
Summary: Daniel is talked into translating a thick scroll. Gen, Oneshot.


Vala's Never Gonna

"What did you say this was?"

"It's a scroll, Daniel."

"I can see that."

"Then why did you ask?"

"Vala!"

"Okay, it's written in a very old Goa'uld dialect, and it relates to a little research project of mine."

"Research?"

"On the effects of memes on modern human society."

"Memes?"

"Yes, Daniel, memes. A practice or idea that is transmitted between minds in a culture."

"I know what a meme is, Vala."

"Then why did you…"

"Why are they relevant to the Goa'uld?" Daniel cut in.

"Memes… subjugating planets with false religion… mind control… isn't there obviously a connection? And Memeticists refer to the bearers of a meme as 'hosts'."

"Hmm, you might have a point." Daniel carefully picked up the scroll and examined it more closely. "It doesn't look very old."

"Oh, this isn't an original copy. It's actually fairly new."

Daniel unrolled the scroll and examined the Goa'uld characters. "Very new. Where did you get this from?"

"This? I swiped it. It was originally from Re Ka Stlee"

"Ka? As in the Unas word for 'no'?"

"That sounds about right," Vala agreed.

"Hmm, that could make it very old indeed. I'll get to work on translating this right away."

"You will? Thank you Daniel! As a reward I'll… leave you in peace." She hopped off his desk and began leaving. "Oh, and if any of it is too obscure, try Teal'c."

"I'll keep that in mind."

A little later…

Daniel was stumped, and a little perplexed. Some of the words were unfamiliar and the others didn't seem to fit any expected context. He remembered that Teal'c was on-world but off-base, so he called the Jaffa's cellphone.

"Greetings, DanielJackson," the deep voice answered, making use of caller ID.

"Hi, Teal'c. Hey, what's all that background noise?"

"O'Neill and I have gone to watch a fight. It appears that a hockey game has broken out," Teal'c deadpanned.

"Uh… right. Hey, I'm translating something for Vala, and I'm a little stuck. Do you know what 'ham'lak' means?"

"That is a very old term. It implies an agreement or promise between the speaker and the hearer, that the speaker will never do something."

"Okay… So 'ham'lak shel ta' would mean… 'I'll never surrender to you?' Or 'I'll never let you go?'"

"I believe not. It implies an emotional attachment that will not be released. This could be similar to an addiction."

"So… 'I'll never give you up?'"

"That adequately conveys the most likely meaning."

"What about 'bekma'? Does that mean fail?"

"Indeed."

"So 'ham'lak bekma ta' means, 'I'll never fail you.'"

"I believe so."

"And 'otok' is weeping, right?"

"The shedding of tears."

"Okay… I think I've got the next part sorted out. What about 'gapak'?"

"To speak a falsehood, particularly a hurtful one."

"Thanks, I think I've got the gist of this."

"You are most welcome."

"Tell Jack I said 'hi'."

There was a pause. "O'Neill returns your greetings."

"Great. I'll see you later." Daniel put down the phone and returned to his task, no longer stumped, but more perplexed. He scribbled some more notes before hunting down Vala.

"So, how goes the translation?" Vala asked when they were both back in Daniel's lab.

"I've largely deciphered it, but it doesn't seem to be what you're looking for."

"Oh? What does it say?"

"It seems to be lyrical. The strange thing is that the meaning is very similar to part of a modern song – close enough that one could be a translation of the other. Except I doubt the writer of the song in English knew Goa'uld, so this is either a strange coincidence or else the English version is the original and time travel is involved."

"I'm sure there's a logical explanation to this," Vala assured him. "Out of interest, who wrote the English version of the song? Perhaps he's a goa'uld."

"Don't be silly, Vala. His name is Rick Astley. Wait a second… Re Ka Stlee… you're right, he could be a Goa'uld, or at least named after one!"

"Or…"

"Or?"

"Or the scroll is a _very_ recent translation and you've just been 'RickScrolled'."

"Or that." He shook his head and said, "I should have realised you were wasting my time."

"Perhaps, but you did a fine job as the first test subject in my research on the effects of memes on modern human society."

"Vala!"

"Hmm… 'Subject became rather irate upon discovery that he had been pranked.'"

Daniel sighed and the alien's antics. "You don't give up, do you?"

"Never," Vala answered with a grin.

Author's Note: I guess you've just been 'FicRolled' :P  
(also, notice that Vala technically didn't lie :D)


End file.
